Drowning

    The very first picture I drew depicting depression was drowning. It was easily one of the first things that came to mind.

 Have you ever swam for a very long time and gotten tired, but you couldn't stop? If you did, you would drown. You are constantly treading water, trying to get somewhere, but you are starting to get tired and your muscles ache and the water around you gets heavier and heavier. You push harder to keep afloat, and you feel the panic rise in your chest because you can't keep up. Waves are throwing you, crashing against you; the storm is rising. You are exhausted, and fighting hard, but the waves are just too big and strong and they start to push you down.

Depression is like that for some. Anxiety as well. There are times when life starts to get rocky and you are trying to balance it all, but you are mentally so exhausted that it overcomes you. Life can hurt sometimes. It becomes unbearable and no matter how hard you try, you can get caught up in the rolling motion of day to day tasks.

Slow down and take a breath. Meditation is really good for moments that seem to fast. Take a moment to let your mind catch up with life. Close your eyes and count to ten, slowly. Let the panic subside. I promise you'll be okay.

The art of depression

I am an artist. Most people know about my love of photography. It has its perks of a nice little side job to earn money for the kids birthday and Christmas gifts. Ultimately, that's why I started doing it for money. we were financially strapped and Christmas was coming. So I offered pictures for Christmas cards at a cheap starting price and it's grown over the blast seven years. Sometimes it monotonous, but I really love when I can branch out with some fun ideas to be more creative.

What people don't really know is that I also paint and sketch. I've done it since high school, though I've lost technique over the years without practice. But to me, art comes naturally. It's a family trait. Both my parents have excelled in visual and performing arts, as well as my dad's sisters. I did theater and choir and even band in high school, and took drawing classes in college so I'm familiar with art. I'm even excited to see my girls dancing, singing, drawing, and painting, and I have no doubt that they will excel at them as well.

A few months ago, when I was in the depths of despair (as Anne Shirley would say), I decided to draw. The strokes on a page help me to focus, to concentrate on other things than my feelings and release tension. However, I wasn't feeling very inspired to draw anything. I didn't want rainbows and unicorns, or flowers in a tree. I wasn't feeling happy and couldn't portray happiness in a sketch. It would feel like a lie.

Then I had an idea. Very rarely do I ever see any artwork depicting depression and anxiety. There will be images that come up with on Google, but you have to search them. They won't just pop up on your Facebook feed. Why? Because it's taboo. People are afraid to talk about it. It's as if depression is an embarrassment and they are ashamed. Or they are afraid of judgement from other people who will shy away at the disease. How do you share that with people without worrying about their reaction and the awkward response that might come? Unless we are open about it, people won't get more comfortable with the subject.

As Hank Smith says, (amazing EFY speaker, check out his collection of talks here) you wouldn't be embarrassed to take insulin if you have diabetes, so why be embarrassed about anti depressants? You wouldn't tell someone with cancer that they are faking it and doing it for attention. So why is that said about the disease of depression and anxiety? It is a disease. It just doesn't have an outside appearance. It's mental health. And there shouldn't be any shame in it. People have different types of depression and anxiety, just like there are different types of physical diseases, but it should all be treated the same.

Anyway, my idea was to take my emotions and sketch them on paper. I wanted to show a view of how I was feeling personally. The different ways that depression affects me in my daily life. So I did. I found it very therapeutic to release  my emotions into my work. Being able to draw a picture and say, "this is how I feel," made it easier to describe my life. I haven't really shown them to anyone, other than a couple family members and friends. But I'm hoping that posting them here will help bring awareness and understanding to depression and anxiety and help those who suffer to be more open and less ashamed about it.

Waking up...very slowly

It's been almost a year since my last post.

A year of things that happened that I really don't remember. Brain fog is a real thing. Sometimes at night I can't even remember what happened that morning my mind is so clouded, memories seem fuzzy, like a dream. Many of the things I associate with the past year I can't tell if it was real or not. But I'm still alive, still here to fight the good fight.

I've been pretty distant from most of my friends. After my granny died, I spiraled into a dark hole. I told everyone I was fine. I understood the circumstances. She was old and sick and had lived her life. She was ready to go back to our Heavenly home. I accepted that. At least, I thought i did. But every day weighed on my mind. A week later, a dear friend passed away from cancer. My heart ached for her family, for the beautiful person we all lost. my grief was unbearable.  A few weeks later, another friend. I couldn't breathe. It was all too quick. I began what I told myself I'd never do again. I started cutting my arms up again.

I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn't do it. But the release of endorphins and adrenaline felt so good to my mind that it momentarily distracted me from the emotional weight. It's almost like a drug, like that first sip of a diet coke, or coffee( I've never had coffee, but I'd assume it's the same. People are crazy about coffee), after months of not having one. The feelings just whoosh into your soul and make everything better. It's kind of...orgasmic, if you will. Cutting made everything feel better...until it didn't. Then I'd have to do it again.

The election came and went. Everyone was against everyone else so I took a break from social media.I began to believe that I wasn't needed in this world. I just wanted the madness in my mind to stop. I thought a lot about Robin Williams. When he died by suicide, it had hit me hard. Why didn't he ask for help? How could he be so sad to take his own life? Didn't anyone see behind his disguise?

That's when it hit me. And I knew why and understood completely. It wasn't sadness. It was madness in his mind. He wanted a break from it. He was tired. Fighting a mental battle is so hard and exhausting. And dragging other people into it brings guilt and shame. And as a fellow depression sufferer, I know how easily it is to hide it, mask it, call it something else.

The night I made the realization that I would actually be willing to end my life to rest my mind, I cried and prayed harder than I've ever prayed to be at peace and make it through the night. The next morning, I handed my hunting knife to my husband and showed him my arms and told him I was not okay.

It's pretty scary to actually re live it as I write it. I know the only reason I made it through was because loved ones in heaven were there to comfort me. Even now, I can sometimes hear them cheering me on, "you are strong. You can do this."

There are days where I believe I can and days I really think I'm failing. As long as I am not fighting the battle alone, I will make it. And I have more people rooting for me than I think. I'm starting to wake up, holding on to whatever I can remember about my days and weeks. I'm trying to focus on what's most important and staying busy so I don't stop to think about negative things. I will beat this, no matter how long it takes.