Finding Joy in MY Journey

   I'm terrible at blogging.

    I love to write, I just never have the time to sit and do it. When I was a child I'd write stories in notebooks and think of ways to make sure my characters always had their dream lives. Isn't that what happily ever after is all about? Having everything you've ever wanted?

    Real life is different. It's good and it's bad, it's up and down, it's joy and heartbreak. Sometimes we don't get what we want, we end up with what we need. Just like at this moment, what I want is peace and quiet to work on some photo editing, but instead I have a little boy fake snoring in my face, and interrupting me every thirty seconds with endless questions. I must need to learn patience, endurance, or long suffering. I clearly haven't learned it yet because it's a constant battle. Now the kid wants his nails clipped. He hates having his nails clipped. He's stalling bedtime. Patience, endurance, long suffering...I can do this.

   I suffer from Depression. I think that is the first time I've ever acknowledged it in writing. Or in life for that matter. I've actually had it for quite a while. When I was in college and going through a really really tough time, I started to harm myself and a friend directed me to a leader who could get me help. I was thrown into therapy. Surprisingly, I loved it. She helped me recognize the disease, the symptoms and how to treat them. Since then I've had many ups and downs. For the past year I've been treated for post partum depression. I feel like I've lost my mind. I was doing so well during pregnancy and then after the birth of my fourth baby, my mind has lost it's ability to make sense. At least that's what it feels like. However, now my doctor thinks it's an attribute to another cause. One we are researching and testing for. Really, I don't care what is wrong with my body, I just want it fixed. I want my mind back. I want to be able to function like a normal person and be independent again.

The dog is ruffing. The boy is yelling at him. Go to sleep, kid. This mom is worn out.

    I decided this year that I've been quite the whiner over the past couple years and that needs to stop. I've been listening to Hank Smith's cd collection of talks for LDS youth for the past couple months( if you've never hear them, they are amazing. My kids LOVE them. I highly recommend them). They are very uplifting and have reached inside and stirred something in me. One of his talks is titled, Being Happy in an Unhappy World.  In it, he talks about spinning every negative into a positive. It sounded so easy that I spent an entire day trying to do it. And I failed.

   Why is it so hard to take something negative and turn it into something positive? Am I really that cynical? Is there nothing positive and happy to recognize in my life? What kind of life am I living if I am only able to recognize the bad stuff and not think any good came out of it?

    That's when I decided that this year I wanted to find Joy. Whatever journey I'm on in this life, I want it to be a happy one. I want to be able to recognize all the good inside of the bad. I want my kids feelings to be more important than my need to be right. I want to look at a stranger and see the good side of them. I want to help everyone around me with things they can't do themselves. Because that's how I find joy, in serving others, in filling a need, in being wanted when help is needed.

    I challenged myself to find joy in my journey this week. And yesterday, I found it by being honest with someone that needed to hear it. After holding it back for so long, it was freeing. And I've not been this happy in a long time. Today, my nine year old spilled a bag of cereal on the floor and cried, like literal sobbing in a chair. When I asked her what happened, between sobs she cried, " it was an accident! I got cereal all over the floor!"

     Now, the old me probably would have lectured her about being careful, telling her to clean it up and stop being so messy. Instead, I gathered her in my arms, hugged her tight, and whispered, "it's okay. We'll count it as the dog's dinner tonight because I haven't fed him yet."

     She burst out laughing and I wiped her tears and told her to go make another bowl of cereal, and I let the dog eat the cereal for once because I didn't feel like sweeping it up( he's not usually allowed people food, so really it's his lucky day).

     And there it was. The positive in the negative. No shouting. No lectures. No crazy mean mom losing her cool about the kids messes. Just life and letting the bad go. So that is why I've decided to write it down. If only for me, at least I will see how far I've come when I look back. I'm sure people will just think me a crazy mom that's not in her right mind, and they'd be right. But at least I'm a happy one, finding joy in MY journey.

The three year old is asleep finally. I can actually get some work done.

Nope. The baby is crying. At least he'll keep my lap warm.